


The Quest to Find 12 Ways to Charm Witches

by FloreatCastellum



Series: Slice of Life One-Shots [43]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Gen, Sex Education, Silly, Teen Angst, Teen Romance, Teenagers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-19
Updated: 2019-05-19
Packaged: 2020-03-07 23:44:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18883717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FloreatCastellum/pseuds/FloreatCastellum
Summary: Hugo Weasley is in love, and you are not allowed to laugh at him about it. His father has informed him of a book that may help.Slight follow on from my one-shot The Secret Diary of Hugo Granger-Weasley, which was inspired by Sue Townsend's Adrian Mole, but can be read alone.





	The Quest to Find 12 Ways to Charm Witches

His son was all gangling limbs and curly red hair, and for those genes Ron could only apologise and hope that, as he had, Hugo would grow into himself. Fourteen was always going to be an awkward age. He did not think, however, no matter how much Hugo insisted, that the situation was down to his cooking. 

‘Look at this!’ blustered Hugo, waving the fish finger until it fell apart. 

'What’s wrong with it?’ said Ron. 'You said you wanted to eat more healthily, fish is healthy.' 

'Not when it’s coated in breadcrumbs!' 

'Just eat the peas and sweetcorn then.' 

His glare fixed on his father, Hugo grabbed his diary and rifled through the pages to his latest one, before checking the clock and violently hunching over to scribble down a furious sentence. Ron craned his neck and held back his smirk. 

_12:43 pm - Would it kill dad to cook something that can’t just be shoved in an oven and left alone for 20 minutes? He has no concern for my nutritional needs._

'Can I be excused?’ Rose said suddenly, shoveling the last of her veg onto her fork. 

'Eh? We only just sat down.' 

'I’m gonna floo over to Roxy’s and teach her that Quidditch thing Auntie Ginny taught me-’ She shoved the last of her food into her mouth and chewed rapidly. Ron was quietly impressed that she excelled in speed eating along with everything else. She gave a hefty swallow and continued. ’-But I’ve gotta get there quick because I want to listen to that thing on the wireless about alchemy on at three.' 

'Yeah, all right,’ said Ron. 'But take that box with you and leave it there for George, will you? Put it down gently, mind, it’s got some new product samples in.' 

She hummed her agreement and hurried away. She was gone in less than a minute, leaving Ron and Hugo, who had finally returned to his clearly sub-standard lunch. 

Ron checked his watch. 'Look at that,’ he said. 'New record. She finished that meal in under three minutes, I reckon.' 

He expected silence from his son, or some sort of snide comment, but instead, Hugo placed down his knife and fork, sat up straighter, and in a very Percy like way, said, 'actually, Father, I’m glad she’s left, because I have something I would like to discuss with you.' 

'Oh yes? Because if it’s about my cooking again, Hugh, there’s nothing stopping you from giving it a go-’

'No,’ said Hugo, in a dignified sort of way. 'Father, I am in love.' 

_Don’t laugh don’t laugh don’t laugh don’t laugh-_

Ron nodded seriously. 'I see. Who with?' 

Hugo’s ears went pink. 'I don’t think that part is relevant. What concerns me is, I don’t think she knows and…’ Hugo’s lips pursed for a moment, as he took a breath. 'And I’m not sure how exactly to go about telling her, because she hasn’t picked up on any of my hints.' 

'And you want my advice?’ asked Ron, surprised by how much he felt flattered. Hugo gave a jerky nod. 'Right… Well… I would advise that you just tell her how you feel.' 

Hugo stared at him for what felt like a very long time, then, again without breaking his angry gaze, seized his diary once more. 

'No, no,’ said Ron hurriedly, 'don’t - just don’t write in there, Hugo, don’t-' But he was scrawling away, his nose inches from the page, occasionally looking up to scowl at his sighing father. Finally it was being slammed shut again. 'Finished?’ Ron asked him. 

'That’s all you’ve got to say?’ Hugo asked, looking appalled. 'I came to you because I thought you were creative, that you might be a bit more inventive than mum.' 

'Well, look, your Mum and I weren’t exactly great at telling each other how we felt,’ said Ron. 'I’m only giving you the advice I wish I could give to my own fourteen-year-old self.’ He winced - his son still looked distinctly unimpressed. 

This wasn’t the sort of thing you thought about when you decided to have kids. It definitely wasn’t in their pros and cons list, and their strategy for dealing with awkward questions had mostly been focused on traumatic past events and the technicalities of sex, which now he thought about it was perhaps an indication that they should have had more therapy. When they decided to have kids, the imagining of it had just sort of stopped once they got to Hogwarts age, and from there they’d just sort of assumed that they would be the school’s problem, or able to look after themselves, or find out from a book-

'There’s a book!’ he nearly shouted at his son. 

Hugo grabbed his diary again, but this time flipped right to the back, to the notes pages, staring urgently at his father. 'What’s the dewey decimal number? I assume it’s in the library-’

'No, it’s not,’ said Ron, leaning forward too, his voice low and rapid. 'I think Harry might still have it. It’s very old, Fred and George got it from someone and they gave it to me and I gave it to Harry, I don’t know where it comes from-’

Hugo looked alive with shivering excitement. 'And he’ll still have it?' 

'It’s called 12 Fail Safe Ways to Charm Witches,’ said Ron, as his son scrawled down the title. 'And it’s certainly not for your mother’s eyes, some of the chapters are… Well you’ll find them more useful when you’re older, but there’s a lot in there that can help you be more…’ He gestured uselessly with his hands. 'Eloquent. Direct. Clear about your intentions in a non-creepy manner.' 

Hugo nodded. 'That’s what I need. I need a clear set of instructions.' 

Ron raised his hands. 'They’re clearer than anything I could ever tell you,’ he promised. They heard the whoosh of the fireplace from the living room, and Ron heard his mother’s voice call out in greeting. He looked back at his son, and tapped the page where he had written the title. 'Remember,’ he whispered. 'Harry’s got it.' 

***

Harry returned home, a new bruise right up his side making him wince as he took off his cloak, and had barely begun to kick off his boots before a precocious voice made him jump.

‘Hello, Uncle Harry.’

‘Hugo! Merlin… You all right? What are you doing here?’

His nephew stood, watching him intently, his diary in hand, with his expression even more serious than normal. ‘I need vital information from you.’

‘Oh, right,’ said Harry. He glanced around the kitchen, noticing the quiet for the first time. ‘Where’s my family?’

‘That’s not important right now.’

‘It kind of is, Hugh,’ said Harry, alarmed. ‘You are Hugo, right?’

‘You’re very paranoid, Uncle Harry, and you need therapy,’ Hugo informed him. ‘Auntie Ginny had to take James to St Mungo’s-’

‘Why?! Is everything-’

‘He’s fine, Al jinxed him and they can’t get his feet back to their normal size. Anyway, like I said, I need vital information. Please,’ he said,’ gesturing to the kitchen table, ‘sit.’

‘Hugo, this is my kitchen.’

‘We can stand if you prefer.’

Satisfied that only his nephew would be this odd, Harry did so. Hugo sat opposite him, arching his fingers into a steeple in front of his mouth, his diary open in front of him. ‘Here’s the thing, Uncle Harry,’ he announced. ‘I have found myself… Falling in love.’

_Don’t laugh don’t laugh don’t laugh don’t laugh don’t laugh-_

‘I see,’ said Harry seriously, nodding slightly.

‘My father informs me that you might be in possession of a certain book, that could help me.’ Hugo consulted his diary. ‘12 Fail Safe Ways to Charm Witches.’

Harry frowned slightly. ‘Oh, yeah, that book… ‘ He hesitated. ‘I think… I think Ron might have forgotten some of the contents, I think you might be a bit young for it.’

‘I am extremely mature for my age,’ said Hugo.

‘Well of course I know that, Hugh,’ said Harry affectionately. ‘But there are certain chapters in there that are… graphic. I’m not sure your father thought through giving it to me in the first place, if I’m honest.’

Hugo’s eyes narrowed, and then he jotted something down in his diary. ‘Do you have the book or not?’ he asked.

‘Erm… I think I might have given it to Teddy, maybe? Or it’s up in the attic?’

Hugo stared at him for almost a full minute, and then his voice was full of judgement. ‘You just told me that portions of it are very graphic. You gave it to your godson? Your effectively adopted son.’

Harry paused. ‘No…?’

‘So where is it then?’

Harry’s eyes stared back into Hugo’s. Finally he muttered a swear word under his breath, and said, ‘you should get a job interrogating people-’

Hugo stood and slammed his fists on the table. ‘Where is the book, Uncle Harry? This is a matter of love!’

‘Teddy has it, all right?’ Harry cried. ‘I gave it to Teddy because I wanted to seem like a cool godfather! Are you happy?’

Hugo exhaled through his nose, shaking his head with a disapproving glare worthy of Hermione. ‘And you are supposed to be a role model for our generation,’ he said. He collected up his diary, closing it with a snap. ‘I will head straight to Grimmauld Place to speak to Ted.’

Harry nodded with a shamed expression on his face as Hugo went through to the living room. He waited until he heard the whoosh of the fire before bursting into laughter.

He floo-called Ron immediately. ‘I just humoured your son,’ he told him. ‘It was quite the performance.’

‘Oh, about the book? I thought about warning you, but I thought it would be funnier to just have him turn up.’

‘Well the joke’s on Ted now. I know he nicked that book years ago.’ 

***

Teddy heard Vic call his name, and he stopped his typing immediately, ready to attend to whatever else his heavily pregnant girlfriend required now. His footsteps creaked on the old wood of the stairs; Harry had gifted them the house when they had revealed they were expecting a baby, insisting that it was going to waste and only being used as an occasional London base. ‘I got it from my godfather,’ he’d said. ‘Makes sense I give it to you.’

He expected that Vic was calling for help getting off the sofa, or reaching something she’d dropped, or asking him to go out and buy whatever food she was craving. What he was not expecting was to see Hugo stood in his front room, ash still on his shoulders, looking determined and even more serious than usual.

‘What are you doing here?’ Teddy blurted out.

‘I understand you possess something I require,’ said Hugo pompously.

‘What? What do you-?’

Hugo turned back to Vic. ‘Do you mind if I talk to your husband alone?’

‘We’re not married, Hugo,’ she said pointedly.

‘Oh yes,’ he said, looking strikingly like Molly Weasley. ‘Very modern.’

‘What do you want, Hugh?’ Teddy asked warily; he could see Hugh’s hands twitching over his diary.

Hugo looked up at him. ‘I understand you have a copy of a book I need. 12 Fail Safe Ways to Charm Witch-’

Teddy seized him by the arm and dragged him out the room, ignoring Victoire’s spluttered laugh. ‘Where did you hear about that?’ he demanded. ‘And who said I have it?’

‘Uncle Harry said he gave it to you.’ 

Teddy flushed furiously. ‘No, he didn’t. What do you want it for, anyway? It’s not appropriate for a fourteen-year-old.’

‘I am extremely mature for my age,’ scowled Hugo, tugging his arm out of Teddy’s grip. ‘And anyway, I require it because I’m in love. Quite unexpectedly, I assure you, but that’s the truth of it.’

_Don’t laugh don’t laugh don’t laugh don’t laugh don’t laugh-_

‘I see,’ said Teddy calmly. ‘And you think this book will help?’

‘I have to try,’ said Hugo, with the air of someone about to enter a battle.

‘Well, look… I found that book years ago in Harry’s study, he told me off when he found me reading it, and I went back and borrowed it later. I assumed he never noticed, but clearly he did…’ he rubbed the back of his neck and sighed heavily. ‘I can’t believe he told you though, seriously, Hugo, it’s not-’

‘My father recommended it,’ said Hugo, seeming to stand a little taller. ‘Clearly he believes me to be ready.’

‘Merlin…’ Teddy muttered. ‘Ron recommended it to you? Even with the chapter on…’ he blushed even harder. ‘Even with the chapter on cunnilingus?’

For perhaps the first time ever, Ted saw utter confusion cross Hugo’s face. ‘What’s that?’

‘Bloody hell, I’m not giving it to you! You’re just tricking me, I bet Ron never-’

Suddenly furious looking, Hugo opened his diary and violently turned back several pages. ‘There- there! Wednesday, 12:56pm - Father has informed me of a book that may help me woo Esther. He claims Uncle Harry currently keeps it. It is called-’

‘Esther?’ asked Teddy. ‘That… Lily’s friend she brought to Christmas at the Burrow?’

Hugo turned so red that Teddy was surprised his ears didn’t catch alight. ‘It doesn’t matter who it is, only that it’s real, and she’s everything - you’re a writer, I would think you would understand-’

‘All right, all right,’ said Teddy, who had never had Harry and Ron’s patience when Hugo started waxing lyrical. ‘Look, it’s not here, anyway-’

To his great shock, Hugo seized the front of his robes and pushed him into the kitchen wall.

‘What the-? Hugo!’

‘Where is it, Teddy?’ Hugo demanded, looking up at him with wild eyes. ‘As I have already said to Uncle Harry, this is a matter of love, and I demand to be taken seriously!’

Teddy pushed him off. ‘You’re the oddest one in the whole bunch,’ he muttered. ‘I hid it, all right?’

‘Where?’ Hugo asked, his voice low and cold.

‘In the attic of the Burrow,’ Teddy said. ‘But I’m not helping you get it, Hugo. I don’t want any association with it at all, got it? You’ll get it on your own, and you’ll do it without Molly Weasley knowing anything about it.’

Hugo smoothed down his robes and breathed deeply through his nose. ‘Thank you, Edward,’ he said. ‘You’ve been most helpful. I’m sorry you had to see me like that. I will leave you and your wife in peace now.’

Teddy stared at him as he left, shaking his head slightly. Victoire appeared in the doorway, sniggering. ‘That’s where you learnt to do that, is it?’ she asked.

***

It had been easy, really, almost disappointingly so. The adults were always too distracted to bother paying attention to their kids running riot through the Burrow after a lunch, and his cousins knew by now that Hugo was quite content to be left to his own devices, and he would probably ruin their fun anyway.

_2:23 pm - No one has even questioned me pulling down the ladder to the attic. Only James walked past and asked me if I was going to have a chat with my only friend. Just shows, doesn’t it? The ghoul is nice when you get to know him, James is so judgemental._

He closed the diary and climbed the rest of the ladder, having paused halfway up it to write the moment James had swaggered off, calling him a loser.

The attic smelled awful, thanks to the ghoul, and it was difficult to see anything with only the little bubble of light from his Dad’s special lighter, which Fred had stolen for him without question.

‘I’m looking for a book,’ he told the ghoul. ‘Teddy would have hidden it at some point. You know Teddy - thinks having colourful hair is the same as having a personality. Currently living in sin.’

The ghoul, slimy and foul-smelling, gave a great, rasping moan.

‘I would really appreciate it,’ said Hugo. ‘I’ve had to wait all week for this lunch, otherwise it would have looked too suspicious, but I go back to Hogwarts in a couple of days and if I have to wait until the summer it might be too late. You see, I’m in love.’

The ghoul did a strange, shuddering sort of moan for a very long time.

‘Don’t laugh at me! I mean it. It’s true love. And this book might help me. Are you sure Teddy never hid anything up here? You must have recognised him.’

The ghoul seemed to crawl along the dusty floor of the attic, slipping over boxes and trunks, groaning, leaving a shining trail behind him like a slug. Finally, he reached a rolled up, moth-eaten rug, and moaned very loudly again.

‘Thank you,’ said Hugo, kneeling down by the rug. He reached into the hole of the rolled-up rug, wincing as he imagined spiders crawling over his hands, and felt something hard. He pulled it out. There it was. 12 Fail Safe Ways to Charm Witches.

He opened the contents, and scanned down the chapter titles. He spotted the word Teddy had mentioned. He had written in his diary many times how frustrating it was, as someone who prided himself on his sophisticated vocabulary, that a word had been used he didn’t know the meaning of. However, as he had been forced to push Teddy against the wall, he hadn’t had time to write it down or ask how it was spelled, so he only vaguely remembered it and wasn’t sure where to start in looking for it in the dictionary. But now he saw it written down, he could hear Teddy’s voice saying it quite clearly.

He flicked through the pages to that section. His eyes widened.

***

‘How could you recommend this?’ he shrieked, dropping the book in front of his father. ‘It’s disgusting!’

‘Er…’ said his dad, tensing as the table fell silent and looked at him. ‘Oh, look, you found it.’

‘What is it?’ his mum asked, frowning at the title.

‘PURE FILTH, MOTHER!’ To make his point, he opened the book onto a page where a detailed diagram moved magically - it made half the people on the table burst into shocked laughter, and the other half look away as fast as possible. Dad, Uncle Harry and Teddy were all frozen in mild horror.

‘Ron!’ exclaimed Grandma. ‘What are you thinking? He’s only just turned fourteen!’ She leaned over and closed the book so quickly it was as though she were worried it would bite her.

‘I didn’t think you’d actually give it to him-’ he heard Uncle Harry whisper.

‘I didn’t think he’d actually find it,’ Teddy whispered back. ‘All the kids are scared of the ghoul, aren’t they?’

‘Bloody hell, they were when they were little, Ted-’

‘Hugo,’ said his mother, her voice calm but her expression thunderous. ‘Why don’t you take this away and we can discuss it at home-’

‘No!’ shouted Hugo, placing his hands on his hips. ‘Everyone should hear about the sort of nonsense I have to put up with - Father gave this to Uncle Harry, who gave it to Teddy-’

‘I didn’t!’ said Harry hurriedly. ‘I was just joking, Hugo-’

‘Yeah, he did,’ said Teddy quickly, shrinking slightly under Uncle Bill’s glare. ‘Harry gave it to me, it was very traumatising, I was only fifteen-’ Uncle Harry’s jaw dropped in utter betrayal as he turned to stare at his godson. ‘-So I hid it in the attic where no kids could find it-’

Uncle George was howling with laughter, wiping a tear from his face. ‘God,’ he choked. ‘I forgot about this book, it’s been years-’

‘Look,’ spluttered Ron. ‘It’s not all about that sort of stuff, all right? That’s just a few chapters and obviously I was going to talk to him about it, I just thought some of the chapters - on listening and empathising, and effective compliments might help him, you know, socially-’

‘And you didn’t think to discuss it with me?’ cried his mother shrilly. Hugo folded his arms and nodded in agreement. When his father had said it wasn’t for his mother’s eyes, he hadn’t quite thought it would be like this…

‘It’s- It’s boy stuff!’ spluttered his father. He looked desperately at Harry. ‘It’s not that bad, is it?’

‘I dunno,’ said Uncle Harry awkwardly. ‘I only read it after the war, and then I did wonder if… If you had remembered I was dating your sister…’

Auntie Angelina’s peals of laughter were so loud that they could barely hear Grandma’s shouting.

‘You weren’t meant to actually give it to him!’ Dad insisted, his ears turning red.

‘I didn’t! And don’t try and wriggle out of this - why did you send him round to mine, then?’ His eyes shot to the door suddenly. ‘Where do you think you’re going, Edward?’

‘This seems like a personal, family matter,’ said Teddy sheepishly, halfway through the door to the living room.

‘Get back here and admit you were far from traumatised when I caught you with it-’

‘Look,’ said Auntie Ginny calmly, ‘Hugo, perhaps get this book off the table when we’ve all just been eating - but I suppose your dad just thought you were old enough for it.’

‘It’s not a matter of my maturity!’ said Hugo stubbornly. ‘I just fail to see where Gryffindor chivalry comes into this! I came to you all for advice on love, and this is what you think it is?!’

‘That chapter on listening and empathy would serve you very well, Hugo!’ said Dad furiously.

‘Were you aware he had this when he started dating my daughter?’ Uncle Bill was growling at Uncle Harry, pointing at Teddy.

‘Bill, you gave it to me and Fred,’ George was saying fairly. ‘Not to mention there’s a whole section on not getting them pregnant, so he clearly didn’t read it that closely-’

‘You should have let me check it to make sure it doesn’t encourage misogynistic behaviour!’ Mum was lecturing Dad.

‘It wouldn’t have helped me get you if it did that, would it? You wouldn’t have stood for it-’

‘No, you don’t understand,’ Teddy was protesting. ‘I could see it was inappropriate, so I hid it with the ghoul so no one else would stumble across it-’

‘Is that how you got so good at it, then?’ Angelina was asking George slyly.

‘It better have only been Ted that’s seen this, Harry, if our son has even peeked at the contents page-’

‘Well, Ted?’ Uncle Harry was demanding. ‘Has he?’

‘Er… I… I don’t know, I suppose you’d have to…’

Hugo felt a tap on his shoulder and turned to see Grandma beckoning him to follow. He did so, taking the book and his diary with him, into the quiet of the living room, the muffled squabbling of the adults still sounding behind the door.

‘So,’ Grandma said calmly, hands on her hips. ‘I suppose you’re enjoying the scene you’ve made?’

‘Yeah, a bit,’ he admitted. He frowned. ‘I know they all laugh at me, you know. They think I’m awkward and obnoxious. Serves them right, if you ask me.’

Grandma’s head tilted. ‘Oh, sweetheart. You are awkward and obnoxious. That’s why we all love you so much. You know your own mind like no one else in this family.’

She took the book from him, and scanned the contents pages, tutting. ‘They must all think I’m stupid - or that seven children were brought by stalks. Where do they think Bill got it? Your grandad and I bought this years ago.’

‘Please don’t,’ said Hugo, but she ignored him.

‘I’m going to tell them that I confiscated this book from you and threw it out. But if I were you, dear, I would listen to your father. Certain chapters on the more social side of things could really help you. The latter chapters can be ignored until you are much older, I think,’ she added sternly.

‘The fact is, Grandma, I’m in love,’ he said.

She smiled and hugged him. ‘I hope it goes well for you.’ She glanced back at the door, the arguments behind it were still raging. ‘But, er, perhaps allow me to give you some advice. Matters of love and attraction… Sometimes it’s best we keep up at least a pretense of privacy, even if we all know better, hmm?’

‘Yes, all right,’ he said fairly. ‘I suppose I could have waited until I got home before shouting at Dad.’

‘Well, it was quite funny, dear,’ she assured him.

***

Just a few weeks later, Hugo found himself at the desks in the Gryffindor common room, plotting his astronomy chart, glancing occasionally up at Esther. She leaned forward, and his ears turned pink as her blouse slipped down slightly, pulling her pencil in one last graceful arc. ‘There,’ she said. ‘Done.’

‘That’s really good,’ he said. ‘Your charts are always so neat. You’ve really got a knack for it.’

She beamed at him. ‘Thanks. If only I could get the hang of transfiguration, eh?’

His hand twitched unconsciously towards his diary, eager to record the exact time she had smiled at him, the exact way her lovely blue eyes had lit up and how perfect her teeth were, maybe try and write a poem about her dimples. But he paused, and remembered.

‘Oh,’ he said. ‘Are you struggling with it? What’s the matter?’

And then he sat back and listened, genuinely and attentively, as she told him about her problems with her hedgehog/pin cushion - his diary sitting quite closed beside him.


End file.
